10/04/24
Looking back at my writing, I think my greatest failing is making something... concrete. Similar to directors who make a bunch of cool individual scenes but fail to connect them together into some greater plot or meaning, is what I see when I look at what I've written. I think many could relate to that. "How do I pull this out of my head, but make it mean something to the narrative?" And I mean, what even is the narrative? All I've really put down are vague ideas that might have *some* concept of an emotion attached. I used to say that I wanted to write a novel, at least a short one, before hitting 30. But now I don't really know. Seemingly anyone and everyone can put out a novel nowadays, especially with dogshitGPT flooding shelves. But do I have something worth sharing?
I think another thing I worry about is how what I write, or create in general, will be interpreted. I picked up Blender relatively recently as of writing this, and it's been fun to put out NSFW and SFW renders. I mean, that's probably why you're here, considering I made this site as a general hub for all my socials. I've depicted a myriad of kinks and fetishes and I like to think I've slowly developed my own style and vision for executing these things. But I'm always a bit surprised by how some of them are perceived. And I can't help but feel like I have to meet certain standards when indulging in more sensitive interests. For example, yuri. One thing I try to be mindful of is the gaze my work presents itself from. I don't personally have anything against lesbian sex made for guys, but I do prefer to show a more tender intimacy rather than just plain ol' sloppy sex with my work. I knew I'd hit a target audience when I got followed by a few accounts that presented themselves as "femgaze connosieurs." And while it certainly gave me some pride, it also made me ask myself, "Is it okay for me to be doing this?" I'm pretty secure in my gender, but I guess I have some gender-moral-dysphoria, if that's a thing. Is it weird for a guy to wanna make cute and tender depictions of gals? Why am I cautious of directly proclaiming my gender online anyways? Maybe there is some dysphoria there, who knows (check back in a few years lol).
Anyways. I kinda lost the sauce of what all I was trying to get at. But if you end up reading this, thanks. It makes me very happy that despite my self-doubts and shoddy craftsmanship, I can put together things that make people feel *something.* Ideally, motivation. Probably horniness. But if my work can give someone else an idea to create something different, even better, then I'll have accomplished my goal of furthering creativity against the endless waves of soul-devouring technology. Fuck does that sound kind of pretentious though, I'm just making porn after all. Anyways. Thanks for reading this. Maybe I'll drop some more senseless rants here every now and then.