01/01/26
Another year has come and gone. I step forth with only one resolution in mind, to kill the past self. Not in its entirety, but to dissect and expertly remove the tumor that's been growing and eating away at the rest. To cure myself of the bloody blemish on my body and soul. I began the process before the year ended, having realized just how miserable and paranoid it made me to keep that facet of myself around. To actively entertain and feed it. The road to recovery will be long, and surely full of trials and cravings, but I've been through worse. I'll make it through. And then, maybe, I'll finally be ready to fully shed the rest of my flesh and lay bare again.
Aside from that, there's a few goals I look forward to tackling. Namely, releasing Metastasis. It's been in limbo for 5-6 months now, but a dear friend agreed to help me with the music so I'm really looking forward to what they'll come up with. Honestly having the music in their hands took off such a huge weight on its own. I know that I should focus on bits and pieces of the game as I can to make steady progress, but the restraints of sound and my lack of knowledge for it had me paralyzed. I just need to finish a commission and I'll be able to fully focus on the remaining visuals for the game, then begin putting them all together. At least I've avoided going back to the script to mess with it further. Nothing good comes from continuously mutilating and fiddling with something, I think. I just hope there's at least one other person that'll enjoy the final result!
Financially, I'm pretty broke and miserable, but it's my own doing. Hoping I can finally get a stable full-time job this year for sure. Realistically not like it'll impact my artistic output as I'm not as productive as I'd like to think. But it'll at least finally let me breathe with relief, knowing I'm not just some useless failure of a creature. Maybe still a failure, but at least useful and productive to society. I finally watched Baby Assassins the other day, and something that stuck with me was how it pushes the message that it's okay to not be "fit for society" as long as you find someone that accepts you for who you are. And while I guess that's true, it also makes it all the more stressful and difficult, doesn't it? We're not fit to be alone, and now we definitely need to find at least one other to be alone with or else our existence will be null. It's been half a decade now since the time I genuinely considered suicide. Honestly, never thought I'd make it this far. So many plans have fallen through, but I still manage to toss something together and make a miracle work when I need it most. Shoutout Nier: Automata for saving my life by teaching me the mentality of Unrelenting Hope when I was at my lowest. Still, I'll do my best to not let my self-worth be held down by perceived productivity or the desperate yearning for another's touch (though that would be nice every now and then).
Another year has come and gone. Despite the known and unknown trials that lay ahead, I'll do my best to step forth with a hidden smile and hope for the best. More than anything, I want to live again!